the one where i get all philosophical.

do you ever just stop and think about life? life in general? it's weird to me sometimes how we're all always trying to figure out what it is that will make us happier, make us more satisfied, make our lives more worthwhile.

i took this Feminism course back at Hunter that was really amazing. (My college in NYC had so many interesting cultural and diverse courses that Baylor could never even DREAM of offering.) thinking back to the times when women didn't even have the opportunity to be educated outside of their home, things these days for women are going pretty swimmingly. it's really amazing how far we've come from not having ANY choices in life to being overrun with choices. women today have the choice: do i want to be a stay-at-home mom? do i want to focus on my career? do i even WANT kids? it's pretty amazing to think about the fact that each of us has so much control over our lives. unfortunately, when it comes to money, sometimes our choices are limited.

i really enjoy my job a lot of the time. i love getting to know the many personalities of my students. i love seeing the innocence and the wonder and the desire to take it all in. i love being able to teach them not only academic things, but life lessons as well. they may not take in all i say right now, but i feel that one day they'll remember that Mrs. Cockrell told them that, and that she was right!

on the other side, though, teaching is so ridiculously exhausting; i could never have imagined how much work and dedication it would take to truly do a good job in my classroom. when i think about having a baby in a couple of years and trying to continue teaching, it makes me feel very overwhelmed and scared. i don't know how i'd feel about being a stay-at-home mom. part of me feels that i might get bored, miss the company of my fellow teachers, and miss having a job where i was needed and important (at least to the kiddos). but a lot of me thinks i simply don't have the type of personality and organization to balance being a teacher and being a mom.

my sister has 4 kids, 2 sets of twins, aged 7 and 11, and she teaches 2nd grade. i honestly do not know how she does it. but a lot of the time i can see how it wears on her. she's exhausted, and she's told me that her own children get the short end of the stick many times because by the end of the school day, her patience is GONE. i definitely want to be able to give my children the best possible home life i can, and i honestly don't know that i'll be able to do that while i'm teaching full-time. the trick is, there may not be a choice! losing an entire income would obviously hit us pretty hard. right now we've got 2 incomes and no car payments or children. it's scary thinking about losing 1 income and adding in 2 car payments and a baby. it's funny how worried about all of this i am right now since this is all 2 years down the road, but it's something that has been brought to the front of my mind because i have so many friends who are expecting. i guess it just starts making you think about your own future and family-planning. only time will tell, and i'm sure everything will work out one way or another.

in the meantime, i need to get re-focused on my life as it stands right now instead of worrying so much about the future! live for today and plan for tomorrow the best you can. and be thankful that we have options today as women.

that'll do it for now, i think. =)